The Farm Five K


It seems these days everywhere people are doing these 5k, 10k and obstacle races. Warrior Dashes, Gladiator Grunts, Spartan Stuff and the like. One of the kids at work (I’ll call him Spry Guy) today was describing the obstacles in the race he entered this weekend. Climbing walls, crawling under wire and through mud…and I thought, sounds like a typical day on the farm. And Spry Guy paid money for the privilege to do this! $55! Great googly moogly! That’s two bags of rabbit feed, four bales of alfalfa, a bag of chicken scratch and a salt block.

Actual money for crawling around in the mud.

And then it hit me.

I’m missing a goldmine here!

How about…

The Farm 5k?

A totally new obstacle event based on life on the farm!

Imagine this:

Instead of crawling under regular ol’ barbed wire, we’ll crawl around under the electric fence! We should probably have this event early in the morning so that grass is nice and dewy and damp. With the solar charger that gives me 6 lights on my 5 light fence tester, your tushie will stay low to the ground, I guarantee it!

What about the 500 meter calf carry?  It’s not easy to hold on to those things when they are all slimy and fresh!

Hubby is the defending champion of the 2011 calf carry!

Hubby is the defending champion of the 2011 calf carry!

And then, for the next event instead of crawling up and over a wall, we’ll have you climb the stack of hay bales. Of course, for full effect, you will be able to build the stack before you crawl on over. Or, you could shovel a wheelbarrow full of, well, stuff out of the barn and then run it up to the top of the compost pile. Extra points if you don’t spill it on your feet! (I recommend close-toed shoes, just sayin’!)

For the speed event, you can dash across the pasture. But to add a little challenge, we’ll strap a bucket of cattle cubes to you and let the bull in! No worries, he’s really a gentle soul. He’ll only squish you a little until he gets the cubes.

"Whatcha got there in 'dat bucket, missy?"

“Whatcha got there in ‘dat bucket, missy?”

And then the mud pit to crawl/run/stomp through. Let’s jest say… mud is ferh wussies! We can use…well, let’s just say it’s made fresh on the farm daily! It varies in viscosity from moment to moment, so there’s no telling exactly what awaits you! Might want to keep your mouth closed as you slog through it. And we’ll allow clothes pins for the nose if necessary.

Made fresh daily.

Made fresh daily.

Dude, I think I’m on to something.

What do you think? Do I have a goldmine or what? Have any of you ever entered one of these runs? I confess, they do look like a lot of fun and I’m a bit jealous that I’m a little too old and out of shape to do one myself. I’ll just have to live vicariously through Spry Guy and his contemporaries. Seriously, Spry Guy finished like 18th out of 1200 in his event. Impressive!

Maybe I could hire Spry Guy to be my personal trainer for the first ever farm 5k!


Maybe I could sit in the stands with a glass of wine and cheer Spry Guy on.

Yeah. That’s more my speed!


Random Acts of Entropy — Gopher Tuna!!

One of my friends posted this video to Facebook the other day, and I seriously nearly wet my pants when I watched it.  Ok, it wasn’t nearly.  I did wet my pants a little bit. Oh, fine.  A lot.



I’ve heard this song a million times in different movie soundtracks, etc. including that cute little movie starting the guinea pigs known as G Force, and while I always tried to guess at the lyrics, I never came up with anything quite so clever.  I mean seriously.  Octopus. Give him boots.

After I stopped laughing, I decided to take the high road and look up what the lyrics really were.  Of course, I don’t speak latin, so thanks to that ever-present font of knowledge known as Wikipedia, I found a translation, side by side:

O Fortuna velut luna statu variabilis, semper crescis aut decrescis; vita detestabilis nunc obdurat et tunc curat ludo mentis aciem, egestatem, potestatem dissolvit ut glaciem.
Sors immanis et inanis, rota tu volubilis, status malus, vana salus semper dissolubilis, obumbrata et velata michi quoque niteris; nunc per ludum dorsum nudum fero tui sceleris.
Sors salutis et virtutis michi nunc contraria, est affectus et defectus semper in angaria. Hac in hora sine mora corde pulsum tangite; quod per sortem sternit fortem, mecum omnes plangite!

O Fortune, just like the moon thou art variable, always dost thou wax and wane. Detestable life, first dost thou mistreat us, and then, whimsically, thou heedest our desires. As the sun melts the ice, so dost thou dissolve both poverty and power.
Monstrous and empty fate, thou, turning wheel, art mean, voiding good health at thy will. Veiled in obscurity, thou dost attack me also. To thy cruel pleasure I bare my back.
Thou dost withdraw my health and virtue; thou dost threaten my emotion and weakness with torture. At this hour, therefore, let us pluck the strings without delay. Let us mourn together, for fate crushes the brave.[3]

It turns out the lyrics to this bad boy is from a medieval gothic poem, and was set to music by German composer Carl Orff in the mid 1930’s.

Does anyone but me think the translation sounds way too much like being a writer addressing the muse?!

If you need to clean your brain after the animated version, here you go:

A lovely classical rendition.

But I dare  you:  Listen to this song ever again without hearing Gopher Tuna and thinking of an Octopus in Boots heading to North Korea.

And if you can successfully go through the next 48 hours without this song playing on your mental loop:

Please!  For the love of God, leave a comment in the comment section and tell me how you did it!  It won’t go away!  Help me!

Gopher Tuna!  Suck Juice from Moose!